Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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