hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
