A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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