so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
