I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
