Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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