And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
