I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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