I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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