You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Dignity is for republicans.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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