I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
