I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
