some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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