life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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