I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Randomize
