Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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