I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
