I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
