does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
