totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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