My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Randomize
