Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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