my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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