Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
