Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize
