no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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