connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Sacagawea was the original milf.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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