so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The dick lei will go down in squad history
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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