I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize