Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
