i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
