I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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