genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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