I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
