i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
