I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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