I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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