I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
