saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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