My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
