Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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