I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
