Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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