1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
