You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
