So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
