Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
