What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
