around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize