I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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