its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
