i just had sex bonerless
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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