why didn't you poke me back
Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
