oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
