I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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