Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
