i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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