This is not my ceiling
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
