did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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