he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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