cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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