I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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