life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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