when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
