I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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