did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
They took my balls.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
