I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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