Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
