I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
