i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
