I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
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